Joke Page

Just a quick warning: Some of these jokes are a bit tasteless.

    Jesus and St. Peter
     One day as Jesus was walking around Heaven, he decided to observe St. Peter for a while when a thought struck him. He approached Peter, and said, " Peter, I was just wondering how long you've been doing this without a break?"
     Peter replied, "I have always done this, Lord. I have never taken a moment away from my task."
     Jesus, said, "Then you should go rest for a while, and I will stand in your place while you do. Id there anything special I need to know about?"
     "No, not really", replied Peter. "We let everyone in, so I usually just ask people a few basic questions, and then let them in. You know, like, "What did you do for a living?" "Did you leave any loved ones behind." It's actually a fairly easy job."
     "On your way then, said Jesus clapping him on the shoulder.
     Jesus let many thousands of people into Heaven, and found that it was a pleasure doing so. Then an old man came up to the gates, and Jesus asked, "Okay, let's see. What did you do for a living?"
     The old man replied, "Well, I was a carpenter."
     "Oh! A carpenter, eh? And tell me, did you leave any family behind?"
     The old man bowed his head, and replied, "Yes, I had one son, but I have not seen him in many years."
     Jesus, becoming a little excited by his answer, smiled and said, "One son, eh?" And then, pointing at his palm, he asked, "And did your son have holes in his hands and feet?"
    Looking a bit confused, the old man answered, "Why, yes! Yes, he did!"
    Smiling broadly, Jesus exclaimed, "Dad!"
    The old man squinted at Jesus, and said, "Pinocchio?!"

Bar joke
A skeleton walks into a bar, and says, Bartender, give me a beer, and a mop."

     Pervert Joke
     A pervert is walking into the woods holding a little boy by the hand. The boy looks up at him, and says, "Gee, mister.... these woods sure are scary."
     The pervert replies, "You think you're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone."

    Kissimmee
    A couple from England on holiday in Florida went through Disney World, and then stopped to have lunch on their way to Tampa.
    "This is such an oddly named place, this Kissimmee", said the husband, pronouncing it kiss-uh-mee.
    "Love, I believe it's pronounced kih-simmy", replied the wife.
    "Are you quite sure", asked the husband?
    "Why don't you just ask the young lady at the counter", suggested the wife.
    The husband walked up to the service counter, and asked, "Pardon me, but how exactly does one properly pronounce the name of this place?"
    The young girl leaned toward the man, and overly articulated, "Bur-ger King!"

    Bar joke
    This guy walks into a bar.
    A few minutes later another guy walks into the same bar.
    The first guy looks at him, and says, "Yeah, I didn't see it either."

     Little Johnny Joke
     One beautiful Christmas morning, Johnnie walked over to his best pal, Billie's house. He knocked on the door, and was greeted by Billie's father.
     "Well! Merry Christmas, Johnnie! Come on in! Billie just got up, and he's about to come downstairs to open his Christmas presents."
    "Merry Christmas, Mr. Johnson", greeted Johnnie as he entered hearing the sound of Christmas carols, and smelling the delicious mixed aroma of pine and ginger.
    A few moments later, Billie came trudging down the stairs in his pajamas, and said, "Hey, Johnnie... Merry Christmas."
    "Merry Christmas, Billie", shouted Johnnie.
    "Are you ready to open your gifts, son", asked Billie's Dad?
    "Yeah, sure, Dad", said Billie.
    "Okay, then let's start with this one", his Father said as he handed him a big envelope with gold ribbon wrapped around it. Billie opened the envelope, looked at the contents, and then handed the papers to Johnnie so he too could look at them.
    "Thanks, Dad", said Billie.
    "Wow! An all expenses paid trip for you and three friends for a week in Disney World! Awesome", gasped Johnnie.
    "Hey", said Billie's Father, "I wonder what's in that big package in the middle of the room?"
    Billie walked over to the oddly wrapped shape, tore away the wrappings, and there sat a state of the art, titanium alloy mountain bike from France.
    "Woooo hooo", squealed Johnnie, "That's so cool!"
   "Yeah, Dad... that's really great. Thanks", said Billie.
   "But we still have one more big gift, son", said Billie's Father as he motioned toward the corner of the room where the entire area had been carefully wrapped from floor to ceiling, and decorated with several lengths of flowing red ribbons and bows. Billie walked over, tore away the wrappings, and there stood a rack unit containing the most high tech computer imaginable, complete with a 32" HD screen, Klipsch quad sound speakers, and an array of other gadgets.
    "Gee, Dad, this is pretty nice. Thanks", said Billie.
    "Man", said Johnnie, grinning, "I sure wish I had leukemia!"

     The Mailman Joke
     It was Fred the Mailman's last day before retirement, and everyone on his route loved Fred. People were giving him tearful hugs, and envelopes as he made his final rounds to each home. When he finally came to the Jenkins home, Mrs. Jenkins opened the door, and greeted Fred wearing nothing but a sheer nightgown that hid nothing. She was a very beautiful young blonde, and Fred had always thought she was gorgeous, but never expected to see her dressed this way.
    "Come on in", she said in a deep, sultry voice, "I have something for you."
    Fred swallowed, and stepped inside. Mrs. Jacobs closed the front door, and then led Fred to her bedroom where she let the gown fall to the floor before pulling Fred into bed with her. For the next hour, she gave Fred the most intense sexual experience of his entire lifetime. She them told him to wait while she went downstairs. When she returned it was with a silver tray with a nice breakfast, a bud vase containing a single red rose in it, and a dollar bill next to his orange juice. Fred was now ravenous, and he ate his meal with genuine appreciation.
     When he was finished, he asked, "It's not that this wasn't one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. It was. I'm just so....so...happy."
     "Good", said Mrs. Jacobs with a knowing smile. "Did you like your breakfast?"
     "It was wonderful", Fred sighed.
     "That was my idea", she grinned.
    "But, tell me; what's up with the dollar bill?"
    "Oh, that was my husband's idea. When I told him that today was your last day, he said, "Fuck the mailman. Give him a dollar.""

     The Elephant Joke
     Note: Many years ago while appearing on "The Tonight Show" with Johnnie Carson, Buddy Hackett had the audience laughing at his usual antics. Hackett was notorious for having a filthy mouth, and during his interview the show went to commercial break. When it came back on, the audience was in tears laughing, and Carson was beside himself. For years it was a mystery as to what had happened during the break until on a much-later HBO special, Hackett finally fessed up that he had told this joke....
     Tom was engaged to be married to a beautiful young woman named Alice. They'd dated for years, and also enjoyed a very long engagement, but somehow Tom had been able to avoid having sex with Alice despite some very close calls. It wasn't that Tom didn't wish to have sex with Alice. On the contrary, Alice was a knock out, and neither of them were virgins. The problem was that Tom had a very tiny penis, which measured only an inch and a half long when fully erect. He loved Alice dearly, and was terrified that he might lose her if she knew, so Tom spent a small fortune seeking a remedy to his problem.
    He tried potions.
    He tried pills.
    He tried the enhancement gizmos and gadgets he saw on late-night television.
    He saw every doctor he could find, but it was always the same bad news; Tom was stuck with what he had, and sooner or later he would just have to tell Alice.
    One day he was seeing a urologist at the Johns Hopkins Institute, and after once again being told there was nothing that could be done, the doctor, an old man nearing retirement, said, "Wait a minute... I seem to recall something I read many, many years ago. It wasn't even in a medical book as I recall. No, it was in some obscure journal I picked up at a former colleague's an estate sale back in the 1950's I believe."
    "What? What was it? Tell me, Doc. I'm desperate", cried Tom.
    "It was something about some kind of ritual, perhaps a tribal rite. I'm really not sure anymore. I threw away the journal decades ago, but I remember it took place in the deepest parts of the Congo. You know, there are areas there that almost no white men have still ever seen in that region. Who really knows what goes on in there?"
     Tom thanked the old doctor as he left the office, and immediately started booking a safari. A week later, Tom found himself with a full crew making his way through some of the most dense African forests imaginable. The safari followed animal trails, and asked local tribes about what they sought until they finally came to a small village where they'd been told they might find what they sought. Tom's interpreter could barely communicate with the villagers, but when the man finally seemed to get his meaning through to a few of the natives they brought Tom to a small thatched hut. Inside the dwelling sat a man who looked to be at least a hundred years old. The ancient man looked at the strange new people with question in his eyes until Tom finally had enough, and pulled down his pants to show the old guy the problem.
    The old man chuckled, and said, "Gittoo rama! B'coo b'gama! Daralica!"
    "What is it? What did he say", demanded Tom?
    "Him say he can help you, B'wana Tom", said his interpreter with a big smile.
    "Jobba jobba duba! Nic Nic b'fuma tasa! Gwana b'fuma tasa!"
    "Him say he do operation on you. Make big one out of small one."
    Tom beamed.
    "Noba riri tasa amma bumshwik!"
    "What is he saying", asked Tom?
    "Him say.... him say...he put elephant trunk on b'wana's penis.
    Tom was horrified, but it was better than anything else he'd tried. He thanked the old man, and begged that the operation take place as quickly as possible. An elephant was seen only a mile away, so it was killed, and Tom was operated upon the very next morning in the filthiest of conditions. He took a week to recover in the village where he was given local herbs to keep him from getting an erection while the stitches healed, but in the end he saw only the most impressive results. The coloration was a bit off, but only slightly so, and the stitch marks were unbelievably unnoticeable. Best of all, on his final day, a very well endowed young girl was brought to his hut where she enticed Tom to get a magnificent erection the size and girth of which no man he'd ever even heard of could boast. It was beyond his wildest expectations.
    Tom thanked the old man, and left him all sorts of gifts from the civilized world that he'd brought along.
    A few weeks later, Tom was at his future in-law's home for the prenuptial dinner before his wedding. Everyone was laughing, and having a wonderful evening as his mother-in-law-to-be brought out one dish after another to the table, but as she sat a big bowl of potatoes down in front of Tom, a strange thing happened. She saw his pants zipper pull itself down, and out came Tom's huge penis. It made its way up to the table, felt around the bowl, and then wrapped itself around a choice potato before retreating back into his trousers.
    His mother-in-law stood there in shock for a moment, and then mustered up the nerve to say, "Tom, I'm not sure I saw what I think I just saw. Could you do that again?"
    Looking a bit embarrassed, Tom replied, "Well, I probably could, but I don't think my asshole could handle having another potato shoved up it."

   Little Johnnie Joke
   Little Johnnie was sitting in class one day when his teacher made an announcement.
   "Class, today we will be doing a spelling game. We will start with the letter 'A,' and you will give me a word that begins with that letter, spell it, and then we'll go onto the next letter. Let us begin."
   Johnnie's hand was the first hand up, but the teacher refused to call on him. She thought to herself, "There is no way I'm calling on Johnnie. He'll scream out 'asshole'."
   "Melissa?"
   Melissa stood up and said, "A....apple....a-p-p-l-e....apple", and then sat down with a smile.
   "Excellent, dear", said the teacher. Next?"
   Johnnie's hand shot up, but the teacher ignored him as bastard, bitch, cock, cunt, dingleberry, dong, and dumbshit were all suspect for the next letters. In fact, the teacher avoided calling on Johnnie despite his enthusiastically waving arm at every letter. He had a notoriously filthy mouth, and she wasn't about to allow him to disrupt her class. However, when she finally reached the letter 'R' she couldn't think of a single profanity that he might use, so she finally gave in and said, "Okay, Johnnie."
    Johnnie stood up, and said, "R...rat...r-a-t...rat."
    Very good, Johnnie", the teacher said.
    Johnnie then threw his arms wide open, and added, "With a dick this big!"

     Chunks
     "Man, I was so drunk last night", said one guy to his two buddies after meeting up the day after a wild party all three had attended. "When I got home I staggered up the front steps, barely made it into my living room, and then threw up all over the floor."
    The second guy said, "That's nothing. I was so slammed that I threw up in my living room, my bathroom, my hallway, and then vomited all over my bed."
    The third guy said, "You think that's bad? I was so drunk that I made my way through my house, and then went out into my backyard where I blew chunks."
    The first two guys looked at him incredulously, and one commented, "Hey, man.... that really isn't as bad as what we went through."
    "Yeah, it is. Chunks is my bulldog."

    Great Dane
    A woman is sitting in a vet's office with her Toy Poodle in her lap when another woman enters with a huge Great Dane.
    "My", exclaimed the first woman. "He's beautiful!"
   "Thank you. Your little guy there is adorable, too. Is he sick?"
   "No, not at all. He's a male, and he's been doing that 'leg' thing a lot lately, so I'm having him fixed."
   The second woman nodded knowingly, and said, "I know exactly what you mean. It seems like every time I lean over to empty the dishwasher, Brutus here mounts me."
   "Ah! So you're having him fixed, too?"
   "No, I'm having his nails trimmed."

    Light Bulb Jokes
    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb, and the entire world circles around him.

How many rhythm guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. One rhythm guitarist changes the bulb while the other seven sit around saying, "Yeah, I can do that."

    Musician Heaven
   A guitarist dies, and goes to his final reward. There, he sees a massive stage in front of thousands of people, and on that stage he sees some of the all-time greats. Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn are tuning up. Keith Moon from "The Who" is on drums next to Buddy Rich, the great jazz percussionist. The line up is so astounding that Janis Joplin is only singing back up along side the likes Mama Cass Elliott and opera diva Beverly Sills.
   "This is great! Spending all of eternity in Heaven is going to be the better than I'd ever imagined", the guitarist gushed!
   Hendrix looked up from his guitar, and said, "What makes you so sure this is Heaven, man?"
   Just then, Karen Carpenter comes back out on stage, and shouts, "Okay, guys! "Yesterday Once more"....ONE ...MORE ...TIME!!!"

    The Bikers
    A guy dies, and goes to Heaven. When he meets St. Peter, he says, "Well, I've lived a good life. I always did the right things, so I guess I'll be coming in now to get my wings."
    "Not so fast", says Peter. "Heaven is getting pretty full these days, so not everyone gets to just stroll in here anymore. You have to have done something spectacular."
    Taken aback, the man thinks for a few seconds, and then says, "I did."
    "Okay. Let's hear it", says Peter.
    "I was walking down this dark street when I heard a woman screaming for help. It came from inside of a bar where there were about twenty Harley's parked in a row outside, so I figured that she might be in real trouble. Sure enough, when I entered the bar I saw a young woman being held down on a pool table. Her clothing had been torn off, and four big bikers had her held down spread-eagle on the table while the others were lining up to ....um...take turns with her."
    "Go on", said Peter.
    "I really didn't have time to call the police, so I walked toward the table, and snatched up a pool cue on the way, which I used to crack the guys over their heads who were restraining the poor girl."
    "Okay, now you're on the right track", said Peter, "Go on."
    "I guess the bikers were all in shock that a little guy like me was taking them on because they just stood there laughing at me. It must have been adrenalin that kept me going. I grabbed the first guy in line by his beard, and punched him in the face. The next guy made a move on me, so I kicked him right in the testicles while the girl was getting up, and running out the door."
    "Now, this is the kind of heroics we like. Keep going", said Peter.
    "Yeah, well, I somehow made my way out the door, and when I saw all the bikes lined up like that, I kicked the first one, and the rest went down like dominoes."
   "Incredible", exclaimed Peter, "When did you do this?"
   The man looked at his watch, and said, "About ten minutes ago."

    The Outhouse
    An old hillbilly woman comes back indoors after using the outhouse, and tells her old husband, "Paw, the outhouse is broken, and needs fixin'."
    The man says, "How can an outhouse be broken? That's impossible, woman."
    The woman says, "Go see fer yerself."
    The old man grabs up a lantern, and the two make their way out to the ancient wood structure where he looks at the door.
    "There's nothin' wrong with it, woman", he mutters.
    "Go inside", she says, and he does.
    Everything looks in place, and he says, "No loose boards here. It's as sound as the day my Pappy built it."
    "Take a closer look at the sitting spot", his wife orders.
    He looks it over, and then says, "Old woman, there ain't a thing wrong here."
    "Look down inside", she orders.
    The old man leans down so that his face is inside the seat, shines his lantern around, and again says. "There ain't a bless-ed thing wrong here", but as he begins to stand up his whiskers get caught in a crack in the wood, and several are yanked out as he howls in pain.
    The old woman smiles, and says, "Hurts, don't it?"

    Hot Dog Joke
    What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
    "Make me one ...with everything."

     French Nuns in New York
    Three nuns from France are vacationing in New York City. They have a ball seeing all of the tall buildings, Central Park, and the millions of people. At some point in the early afternoon they agree they are all hungry. They decide to try some of the local street food, and one of them spies a hot dog cart.
    As they approach the cart, the Mother Superior points to the sign on the cart, and works out the English wording, "H-hot.....doo...., No, no no! Hot....dog!"
    She looks at the other two nuns, and shrugs before holding up three fingers indicating how many hot dogs she would like. The vendor give her three hot dogs wrapped in foil, which the nuns take to a bench where they sit down to eat. The first nun opens her foil wrapping, looks at her food with an expression of disgust, and lifts the hot dog from its bun with two fingers before dropping it into a trash can.
    Speaking French, she asks the others, "Okay, which part of the dog did you get?"

     The Seven Dwarves
      One beautiful Sunday morning, The Seven Dwarves were sitting in the front row at church listening to a priest deliver a true fire and brimstone sermon. Just as the priest was really getting into the meat of the lesson, Dopey's hand slowly went up. The priest was confounded by this, but wanted to be kind, so he stopped his sermon for a moment.
      "Yes", he asked?
      Dopey stood up, and in a demure voice asked, "Excuse me... but could you please tell me....uh....are there any dwarf nuns who work here in your church?"
      The priest smiled politely at the rest of his congregation, and then answered, "No, my son, there aren't. Now, could you please sit down?"
      Dopey blushed, and did as he was asked as the other dwarves chuckled amongst themselves.
      The priest took a few minutes to get back into full swing with his sermon, but soon had the spirit of things going again when Dopey's hand slowly went up again. Now the priest was a getting a little irritated, but he smiled as nicely as he could, and asked, "Yes?"
      Dopey again slowly stood up, smiled at everyone, and then asked the priest, "Um.. could you tell me if maybe...there are any dwarf nuns...working in this country?"
      The priest glared at him, but then collected himself, and answered, "No, I really don't think there are. Now, please stop interrupting me. This is not the place or time to be asking such questions. Sit down."
      Dopey gave a small apologetic nod to the congregation as he sank back down into his seat while the other six dwarves giggled, and elbowed one another.
      Once again, the priest did his best to regain the full magnitude of his sermon, and just as he finally got back on track, up came Dopey's hand again.
      "What is it THIS time", bellowed the priest in total frustration?
     "Um....pardon me...but do you think there might be a ...dwarf nun.... somewhere in the entire universe", he asked, holding his small arms wide open?
     The priest just stared at him, and then shouted, "NO! There are NO 'DWARF' NUNS, not even in the entire universe! Now, please; SIT DOWN and BE QUIET!"
     As Dopey sat down the other dwarves began laughing.
     Grumpy then looked at the others, and said, "See? I told you fellows so!"
     With this, the other dwarves burst out laughing as they chanted, "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin..."

     Management Material
     (Note: Substitute you favorite "idiot" group or person in this one)
     A guy is tired of working in the warehouse, and decides that he's ready for something better in his career. He tells his buddies that he's had it, and marches upstairs to his supervisor's office.
     "I've been driving a forklift for ten years", he explains, "I want to move up in the world, and make more money. I want to be a manager."
     His supervisor rolls his eyes, and says, "Look... you just aren't what we call "management material." You'll probably always be a forklift driver until you retire."
     The driver looked appalled, and replied, "What do you mean by that?! Why couldn't I be a manager?"
     His supervisor said, "Okay, let me explain it this way..."
     With that, the supervisor came out from behind his desk, and stood near the driver where he held up his open hand in front of a concrete wall.
     "I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can. Really give it all you've got."
     The driver balled up his fist, cocked his arm back, and then gave it his very best effort, but at the last second the supervisor calmly pulled his hand away. Of course, this resulted in the driver smashing his hand into the concrete causing him incredible pain.
     "You see what I mean", said the supervisor?
     "Yeah, I got it now", mumbled the driver as he left the office nursing his hand.
     Upon returning to the floor his buddies crowded around him asking how it went.
     "Not so good", the driver replied. "I'm not what they call "management material", and I probably never will be."
     His buddies looked confused, and one asked him what he meant by "management material."
     "Here, let me show you the way he showed me", said the driver. Since they were in the middle of the warehouse with no walls near by, so he instead held up his open hand in front of his own face, and......

     Blonde Joke
     What does a blonde usually say after sex?
     "Gee, are all of you guys on the same team?"

     J.A.P Jokes
     What does a J.A.P. usually say after sex?
     "Harry, do you think we need to paint the ceiling?"

How can you tell if a J.A.P. has had an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

Why do J.A.P.'s husbands usually die before their wives?
Because they want to.

Name a fine Jewish wine!
"I want to go to Miami!"

How do you cure a J.A.P. of nymphomania?
Marry her.

     The Pharmacists
     A young man limps into a small drug store, and goes directly to the pharmacy counter. He rings the service bell on the counter, and a woman in a white coat comes out from the back room.
     "Can I help you", she asks?
     The young man says, "I really need to see the pharmacist, please. And hurry!"
     The woman looks concerned, and says, "I am the pharmacist. You look terrible. Is there something I can help you with?"
     The young man replies, "I'd really rather talk to a man about this. Is there another pharmacy in town?"
     "Look", said the woman, "My sister and I have the only drug store within 50 miles, but we've been running this place for decades. Trust me, there's nothing new that you could tell us. We've seen it all. Now, you look like you're in a lot of discomfort. Tell me what I can do to help."
     The young man winced, and then said, "Okay, okay. I guess I have no choice. The problem is that I have a 12" hard on that won't go down. No matter what I try, it just stays sold as a rock, and it's so hard that it actually hurts! You gotta give me something...please!"
     "No problem", said the woman, "You just sit tight for a minute, and I'll be right back."
    The young man waited, sweating bullets until the woman finally returned from the back room.
    "Okay, I spoke with my sister. We're willing to give you a thousand bucks, and half the business."

     Special Delivery
     What would you get if you merged Fed Ex with UPS?
      Fed up.

     Aging Starlets
     Two movie stars are sitting on lounge chairs by a Hollywood swimming pool, and bragging about their careers. Each keeps trying to top the other's stories.
     Finally, one remarks, "You know, my legs were always considered the best legs on the big screen."
     "Is that so", asked her friend?
     "Oh, yes! In fact, my legs were so valuable that I had to insure them through Lloyds of London!"
     Not to be outdone, the second starlet said, "Oh, I know exactly what you mean. With me it was my breasts! Every director in Hollywood said they were the most magnificent pair they'd ever seen, so I also had to insure them with Lloyds of London!"
     "I see", remarked the first starlet, "What did you do with the money?"